I guess none of us thought we’d still be in this.
Since the retreat I hosted in October last year, I’ve been burnt out. It wasn’t the retreat that did it, it was what I came back to. Straight into school holidays, a hugely busy time in my day job and my husband away for work.
I was exhausted and I never took care of myself.
This is a pattern for me. I take care of everyone else and when it comes to me-I forget what gives me peace and solace. It’s one of two major patterns that I have picked up about myself over the last two months.
What’s the other? The need to know what’s happening. Being in some kind of control allows me to feel safe. It’s deeply rooted in masculine energy and plays out as me wanting to pin down what everyone is doing and how they’re doing it. Not so useful in these times!
Do you do this to or are you aware of a similar pattern?
Now that I am aware of it, I have been making changes. It all comes down to not feeling safe. I don’t think I’ve felt ‘safe’ for two years. The constant worry of what is around the corner, what the next press conference will announce, how my kids will react to it all, whether my husband will keep his job, whether I can complete events that I’ve entered- it’s all left me feeling shattered emotionally and physically. We need to feel safe to engage with the world around us. Without that we feel flighty, uncertain and as if the things we desire are unobtainable.
I have always said that what I’m about is movement, mindset and magic. It’s still 100% true. When I feel myself move into one of these three areas I know that I’ll be okay. There is going to be a freshness to 2022 though. I don’t want to continue what I have been doing in the same way. I know that this year is about transformation for me because ‘peace begins with me’.
This is directly from my journal:
The transformation happens gradually, it starts with the small things. The habits that you choose to pay attention to, the ones that you start to implement. It’s in the daily nature walk, the 10 minute meditation, the no phone before bed or the water before you’re thirsty. Transformation occurs gradually until one day you look back and see how incredibly far you have come. You see the changes you have made, the love you have for yourself and the things around you. Transformation isn’t physical. The physical transformation is a by product of your internal shifts.
There is this myth that if you know a coach who is working through there own ‘stuff’ that they can’t help you- I call bullshit.
I have learnt to hold space for many people, sometimes on a one on one basis sometimes in groups. Each one of those people has different needs and energy. I can hold that for those people whether in person or online because I’ve learnt to hold myself and more than that, I continue to hold myself and learn about myself. As I transform so does my capacity to guide others- it increases.
And so the transformation continues and with it awareness, eyes wide open and ears listening. My heart leading.
The start of this year has brought me to my knees. It has left me ruffled and unsteady. It also has allowed me to embody the practices that enrich me. I pay attention to what I need rather than the talk of others. I talk about what I need to get clarity on with those I trust and know will listen without giving opinions unless I ask. I trust myself and my body to do what is needed.
The truth is that this year has so much energy within it, it feels like a bit of a volcano. I’m not guaranteeing what I will continue to do this year and what I will say goodbye to-except for one thing- this blog. The blog will be my main space for my musings this year.
I’m listening. I’m focusing on one thing and letting that be my first step.
I’m paying attention to being rather than being a human doing.
I trust that as you read this, you will receive your own magic from it and be able to take what you need and leave the rest.
It is all unravelling exactly how it is supposed to.