I had a meltdown yesterday. It started off as a simple phone call to my husband and as we were talking it took on a life of its own. I’d just spoken to the insurance company who we’re still waiting to hear back from about our kitchen and various other things plus, I’d read a post about money that really set me off on social media. Toward the middle of the conversation I just blurted out ‘maybe I’ll just quit my business. What’s the point? I’m obviously not doing enough or adding enough value. I’m so frustrated!’ (by the way this is not a pity blog post, but I feel it’s only right that those reading see that it’s not all unicorns and oracle cards!)
This led me to having a complete breakdown. I balled my eyes out, so much so that my beautiful 5 year old came in took my boots off, gave me a blanket, a cuddle and made me coffee (so gorgeous). It was this overwhelming feeling. Everything coming at me at once- social media, the kitchen and other bits needing to be completed, my daughter starting school next term and dealing with a concussion- one big feeling of mess.
What it turns out to be though is not a mess. I’d managed to catastrophise four smaller things into one. I’d also turned myself into what I labelled a failure rather than looking at the actions and whether I had any control over the outcome.
Now back in the day, I would have stewed on this. I wouldn’t have been able to spot it very quickly and would have wallowed in a ball of self pity. What I have learnt though is the importance of changing our words, working through a problem, finding a solution and minimising the external voice so that my truth speaks the loudest.
Within half an hour I’d started making a plan. I had relooked at what I defined success by. Success for me is seeing people stepping into their own power, its them seeing what others see in them as well as creating and experiencing more freedom and flow in their life because they are more aligned to their truth. The dollar figure is the by-product of that.
When I explored this further I felt immense gratitude for the four beautiful souls I am working with this month in varying coaching packages, for the yogis who attend my classes in Khandallah, for the women joining me at Lochmara Lodge in September- that is success for me because I can share and also help others see what lights them up.
I changed my word choices, writing them down in a journal and I opened up my calendar. I was able to see exactly the times that I had space for clients, for Emergence(the group coaching container coming soon) and for my family and social times.
Opportunities for me to rest my head more.
Opportunities for me to learn to let go.
Opportunities for exploring and learning more about myself.
Opportunities for me to spend more time with those I care about and that care about me.
We all struggle at times with our self-talk. It isn’t something that magically disappears because you’re a coach and help others dealing with theirs. We’re all human. I feel like we see so much on social media telling us to be positive, to always be kind, to just lift ourselves back up and forget about the negative because if we just ‘think positive’ it’ll all be okay. But what if all that is actually stopping you from asserting your boundaries or allowing self-sabotage to be ever present? (I guess that’s another post)
Well here it is for you…. That’s not how it works. What I have written above is how it works. When something goes wrong and you feel shitty or frustrated or feel like your opinion, your thoughts, what you do or how you do it doesn’t matter, you have to sit with that, acknowledge it and if you’re ready to-work it out! It’s reflection and what reflects back at you? Your shadow. That’s the part of you that you don’t want people to see- the area where you’ve got self-doubt, things that annoy you, the things you term your weaknesses. That’s what you need to explore. Ask yourself questions like:
- Whats triggered me here? Do I know why?
- What is the meaning I am giving to this event?
- Am I looking at this with all the information I have or in isolation?
- Who could support me to work this through?
- What changes do I need to make to get my desired outcome?
I had expectations about how long it would take me to be over my concussion- I don’t have control of the outcome however I can do things that direct the outcome. I have zero control over how long it takes for the insurance company to make their decisions. I get to choose to create my business as I want to (woohoo!). I’m absolutely allowed to be sad and emotional about my youngest starting school!
See when you break something down you can start to see the steps you need to take right in front of you.
Here’s three things that you may like to try:
Expectations: We often place expectations on ourselves or others without really checking in to see if we understand what needs to be done. Can you remember a time where you have had an expectation of yourself or someone else? How did it feel when that expectation wasn’t met?
Sometimes the expectations we place on ourselves require us to look at different ways of doing things so that we can do what we say we’ll do. Other times those expectations need a plan change. That doesn’t mean a failure, it means you worked out that you could do something better!
Change the plan, never the goal
When it comes to others, standardly, people aren’t mindreaders! So, if you need something from someone, you actually need to clearly state your expectation. For example, it is so easy at home to see that there’s a pile of washing that needs to be folded and that you really want someone else to do it however, don’t assume that it bothers anyone else in your household. Communicate what help you need.
Changing your words: I wrote a little bit about this on my facebook page the other day. The way we speak does have an energy to it. We need to choose how we speak to ourselves. An easy way to do this is to look at the words won’t, can’t, don’t and I am. When we say we ‘can’t’ do something we block out the brains ability to find a solution to how we can. It’s part of having a growth mindset. When we say ‘don’t’ or ‘won’t’ we’re clearly making a choice that we’re not going to do whatever it is. Be very clear here because if you’re saying you don’t want to do something you are consciously making a choice and probably that thing is not important to you. I’ll give you an example: I am choosing to get up at 6am so that I can do my workouts because I will feel amazing vs. I don’t want to get up to do my workout, I’m too tired. What sounds more empowering?
I am is a powerful start to any affirmation. Sometimes though its hard to believe in what you’re saying. You have to believe it to become it so if you’re into affirmations you may write ‘I am becoming better at getting up at 6am to do my workouts.’ Until you truly believe that you can and will.
Always look at all angles: In the situation I shared above I had self-selected one type of success-financial-rather than looking at all the other ways that I measure my success. This is an easy trap to fall into because you become blinded by one thing. If this happens to you, step back take a few deep breaths and ask yourself ‘what other ways could I look at this situation?’ By exploring other avenues you may discover underlying expectations, word choices you need to change and exciting new ideas. Everyone defines success in a different way, be excited about the way you define it and check in with it regularly.
I truly believe that when we are willing to let in experiences that challenge us, ones that we can learn from, we grow. We see opportunities where we didn’t expect to and we open ourselves up to acknowledging and overcoming what is holding us back.
Let me know in the comments what your biggest takeaway is from this. I love hearing your thoughts.